In a leaked handwritten document, Donald Trump has uttered what appears to be a heartfelt apology for his conduct during his campaign for the Republican nomination and for election to the Presidency. The New York Times will publish the apology tomorrow, on the eve of the election.
The text of the document follows. (The words in brackets and stricken [ ] are NY Times editorial staff’s best reading of several scribbled, virtually unreadable words and words that appear to have been stricken) reflecting, perhaps, the haste with which Trump wrote the apology.)
“Fellow Republicans, fellow Americans, all Americans, Hispanics, Muslims, African Americans, Asian Americans, [Democrats] all of the huge number of you, the huge, and I mean HUGE, number of you.
“I write this apology with a hugely heavy heart, but with a beautiful, and truly BEAUTIFUL hope that by writing this and sharing it with all Americans I will be relieved of my guilty heart.
“First I want to give you some background. NOT AN EXCUSE, no hot an excuse, but something about me that lead to my behavior, bad behavior, yes really hugely bad behavior during the past year.
“I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Not literally in my mouth. No, but you know the expression. My father was filthy rich. FLITHY, hugely filthy rich. I had everything as a kid and like that kid Ethan Couch who drove drunk and killed some people, I got sick. I caught affluenza. I could not help thinking of myself as superior to all others. Money made me sick. I thought my wealth, well, at first my beloved father’s wealth, excused my lies, sexual assault, insults, elitism, [groping and infidelities].
“You don’t know how terrible, really very, very terrible, affluenza is. I truly hope and pray—and I do pray, I pray every night, BEAUTIFUL prayers every night that America becomes great again and that I will be cured of this dreaded disease. My spiritual advisor, my beloved Melania-- oh how I love her! She is such a good [lay] wife—has given me great, really great advice. Open my soul to the American People, admit and apologize, FOR CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.
“I treated Miss America badly. I admit it. VERY VERY BADLY. Seeking her forgiveness and salvation of my soul, I have given her a life time membership in Weight Watchers.
“I failed to pay dozens—they claim hundreds—but dozens, or maybe several dozens, perhaps a huge number of vendors and contractors who worked for me. Many of them were financially wrecked by my bankruptcy, which was the reason for my not paying them, since bankruptcy discharges debts and that’s the way the law is written, so if my creditors didn’t like the law, they could have gotten Congress to change it, but they sat on their fat [asses] derrières – I really good at foreign languages, Russian especially-so really it is their fault that they went broke. But I have a big heart, TREMENDOUSLY BIG HEART, and I am giving each of those contractors and vendors who went broke a tuition free enrollment in Trump University and an autographed copy of my best seller, yes, the highest selling best seller of all times, The Art of the Deal.
“I apologize to Khizr and Ghazala Khan, mother and father of Captain Khan, killed in action in a needless war that I was against and who would still be alive if I had been president.
“I apologize to Senator McCain. If you had just read Art of the Deal you could have dealt your way out of that cage in North Vietnam. But you didn’t. And you didn’t read it before losing to Obama. You lost. But I realize that being a prisoner of war doesn’t make you a big loser. Not a BIG loser. You said you are voting for me. That makes you a WINNER in my eyes, unless I lose in this rigged election.
“Locker room talk is just that. Locker room talk. All the guys talk that way. I never kissed or touched a woman who wasn’t asking for it. Look at the way they dress, showing a lot of leg a lot of cleavage. Of course they wanted me, wanted to share in the limelight of a big celebrity. A really HUGE celebrity.
“If I have left anyone out, it’s not that I am ignoring you. I apologize to all of America for all of my transgressions, but I just don’t have time to list you all. You know who you are. You are all beautiful people, really beautiful, and you are forgiving and understanding, and I know you are accepting my apology and want to vote for me and make American Great Again.
“So now, all those [lies] allegations are behind me. Forgiven and Forgotten.
“I’ve got to run now. Going to make my last campaign speech about that lying, nasty woman Hillary.”